[Inside the realM]

What the hell is wrong with me?

2005-12-11T04:49:06Z

Taloom221: Hey
houshisama523: hay
houshisama523: is for horses
Taloom221: Yes
Taloom221: So umm... what's up?
houshisama523: the sky
houshisama523: and snow
Taloom221: Ed...
Taloom221: Did you talk to Jess today?
houshisama523: yes
Taloom221: ooh
houshisama523: tell her I'm sorry for signing off like that
Taloom221: oK
houshisama523: anyway, whats up uhh
houshisama523: tomodachi?
Taloom221: ?
Taloom221: and uhh not much.
houshisama523: okay
houshisama523: thats nice
houshisama523: i suppose
Taloom221: Ya..
Taloom221: So what'd you and jess talk about?
houshisama523: it doesn't matter
Taloom221: No?
houshisama523: nope
houshisama523: whats done is done
houshisama523: I understand
Taloom221: Ya?
Taloom221: Well cause I didn't want her to tell you ^^;
houshisama523: oh
houshisama523: well, it doesn't matter
houshisama523: I'm sure what you were going to say would have just made it worse
Taloom221: Ya?
Taloom221: Well what DID she say?!
houshisama523: I really have no clue
Taloom221: Oh...
houshisama523: it took me forever to figure out what her point was, she buttered it up so much
Taloom221: oh.
houshisama523: Like...
houshisama523: hybridkoneko: Well, Tracy loves you Ed. But, not in that way that you think. Well, in the way that... that like I love you. But, then again, you could mistake that for something... so... maybe... in the way that I love Jordan. Which is actually not anything that I can be sure of. Cuz he's a stupid jerk and only an idiot would fall in love with him!!
houshisama523: (shurgs)
houshisama523: (shrugs
Taloom221: Ooh
Taloom221: I see then
houshisama523: It's easy to get lost.
Taloom221: She did make it confuzzling.
houshisama523: yeah
Taloom221: Fucking Jess
Taloom221: Oh well
houshisama523: well, she was trying to help
houshisama523: at least I got the message
Taloom221: Ok
Taloom221: =)
houshisama523: so
Taloom221: so...
Taloom221: you're alright?
houshisama523: I'm fine
Taloom221: Okay ^^
houshisama523: I actually, didn't care too much
houshisama523: all we did was fight
houshisama523: it got boring
Taloom221: Yeah
houshisama523: you're a lousy fighter
Taloom221: I didn't wanna be mean!
Taloom221: With all your fucking threats and such...
Taloom221: "Ahhh I won't come online again, you think I'm worthless, bitch bitch bitch"
Taloom221: So meh
houshisama523: Ahh, you couldn't be mean if you tried... princess
houshisama523: xDDD
houshisama523: j/k
Taloom221: Fucker
houshisama523: geezumnia
Taloom221: DONT CALL ME PRINCESS
houshisama523: I got it
houshisama523: whats wrong?
Taloom221: Good
Taloom221: Nothing
houshisama523: right, sounds like nothing
Taloom221: what?
houshisama523: you cussed out Jess
Taloom221: ?
Taloom221: when?
houshisama523: I've never even see you use the F-word
Taloom221: oooh that
Taloom221: i cuss out everyone
Taloom221: I'm just... polite with you.
houshisama523: well, whatever
Taloom221: *shrug*
houshisama523: you must be a real bitch not around me then
Taloom221: I'm actually being normal now, lmao
houshisama523: lol
Taloom221: I am
houshisama523: that's... good?
Taloom221: I guess
Taloom221: fuck, i dunno
houshisama523: stop saying fuck
houshisama523: I can say fuck
houshisama523: not you
Taloom221: And I can't?
Taloom221: Why the fucking hell not?
houshisama523: because
houshisama523: it's like Jess saying shit
Taloom221: Because you think you're better?
houshisama523: no
houshisama523: I don't think that
houshisama523: You're just not... like that
Taloom221: And you know that how?
Taloom221: We don't hang every fuckin day for u to know that.
houshisama523: okay
houshisama523: I'm sorry
Taloom221: It's ok
Taloom221: Just don't assume shit,
Taloom221: .**
Taloom221: Oopsy ^^;
houshisama523: I won't act like I know you at all then
Taloom221: Ed, that's not what I meant
houshisama523: really, then
houshisama523: whatever
houshisama523: I've got better things to do than waste my time with you and Jess now
Taloom221: Zombie jesus, stop acting like a little bitch punk.
houshisama523: I'M NOT!
Taloom221: I like you Ed!
Taloom221: THEN STOP WHINING!
Taloom221: Me and Jess both love you!
houshisama523: If you like me, then why the hell'd you break up with me?!
houshisama523: pfft, please
Taloom221: becuz not like THAT
Taloom221: and we do
houshisama523: Jess loves you
houshisama523: you love Jess
Taloom221: And YOU
houshisama523: I'm the fifth wheel
Taloom221: We both do
Taloom221: No you aren't
houshisama523: well, I take that back
houshisama523: Jess loves you
houshisama523: you don't really give a shit
Taloom221: What?
houshisama523: I'm not the one being a little 'punk bitch'
Taloom221: I love Jess, she's like one of my clkosest online amigas.
Taloom221: NActually, you are.
Taloom221: Actually*
houshisama523: so, you love me more than Jess?
Taloom221: And THATS why I broke up with you.
Taloom221: No, I love you both equally.
houshisama523: I don't care, really
Taloom221: i have to go, my bro has to do homework, ok?
houshisama523: good
houshisama523: think about shit then talk to me
houshisama523: chill out
Taloom221: What?
Taloom221: You're the one who needs to chill with thinking I hate you!
houshisama523: I don't think you hate me
Taloom221: It seems like it
houshisama523: I think you're acting like a bitch
houshisama523: but you're not one
Taloom221: I AM one.
houshisama523: no
houshisama523: you're acting like one
Taloom221: I always do.
houshisama523: just chill out, okay
Taloom221: I had to restrain to NOT act like one online
houshisama523: seems like you're taking the break up worse than me
Taloom221: Right now isn't the best time, okay?
houshisama523: oh what could be wrong?
Taloom221: My brother is going to fucking die if he doesn't stop ruining his life...
Taloom221: I'm not in the fucking mmod for this
houshisama523: then go
houshisama523: I'm not in the mood, either
Taloom221: Gah, maybe Jess was right.
houshisama523: with what?
Taloom221: Nothing
Taloom221: It doesn't matter
Taloom221: You wouldn't care since we don't matter to you.
houshisama523: You matter
Taloom221: Sure
houshisama523: I think she was completely wrong, though
houshisama523: about you
Taloom221: With what?
Taloom221: She thinks I'm a friggen Saint, I think.
houshisama523: not quite
houshisama523: but close enough
Taloom221: She always thinks higher of people...
Taloom221: than what they really are.
houshisama523: whats wrong with that?
houshisama523: She's a terrible person because of that, huh?
Taloom221: it's false thinking. and when the person really shows you who they are...
Taloom221: They/jess will end up being hurt.
houshisama523: then go act liek this with Jess
houshisama523: hurt the little bitch
Taloom221: Why?
Taloom221: She's done nothin to me but help me.
houshisama523: so she can see who I see
Taloom221: Fine, you want me to?!
houshisama523: that way you aren't lying to her
Taloom221: I fucking will next time.
houshisama523: then do it
houshisama523: hurt her
houshisama523: just like me
Taloom221: Alright, sure
Taloom221: oh, ya i hurt you LOADS
Taloom221: whatever.
houshisama523: You did, bich
houshisama523: (bitch
Taloom221: Good
Taloom221: You needed it.
houshisama523: why?
Taloom221: Why do you THINK?
houshisama523: because I'm the idiot that liked you?
houshisama523: and you wonder why you can't get a boyfriend in real life?
houshisama523: Because you don't let people love you
Taloom221: No, because you're the idiot who KEPT liking me.
Taloom221: Actually, I jsut don't want YOU to love me.
houshisama523: well, it's over no
houshisama523: (now
Taloom221: Ya, it is =)
Taloom221: OMG i need to get Nasa's card too!
Taloom221: Darn!
houshisama523: whatever
Taloom221: Grrr.... At least I ahve til Friday ^^
houshisama523: what the hell?
Taloom221: What?
houshisama523: Like five seconds ago, you wanted to rip me apart
Taloom221: This is what, i think, bipolarness maybe?
houshisama523: great
Taloom221: What?
houshisama523: why am I feeling so unattracted to you all of the sudden?
houshisama523: God damn
Taloom221: Cause I'm wanting you to!
Taloom221: All my hard work of making you hate me is paying off!
Taloom221: YAY!
Taloom221: TIME FOR DRINKS!
Taloom221: AU REVOIR
houshisama523: I was over you before
Taloom221 signed off at 10:15:16 PM.

God damn, right now I'm so angry with my damn aunt. She made me go clean out the goat cage thingy and it smelled like goat shit -no duh- but goat shit stinks. Or, at least her goats. I think they're like beyond sick.

lol all in all I had a pretty good day... I mean, even after Jess told me about Tracey wanting to break up with me. We actually had like the greatest conversation. If I can find it, I'll post it.

hybridkoneko: Ed, I hate you!
houshisama523: I know
houshisama523: why?
houshisama523: because I said I was never coming back?
hybridkoneko: well... they were all wasted tears, anyway
houshisama523: or you;re just too easy to make cry
hybridkoneko: oh, shut it
houshisama523: so, whatd'ya want?
hybridkoneko: ahem... Edward [insert last name here], I am here from my friend Tracy.
houshisama523: great. Hey, how'd you know my last name?
hybridkoneko: Because you told me... a long time ago when I was going to send you a Christmas card but because you kept moving I gave up.
houshisama523: right right.
houshisama523: so, what is it you're here for from Tracey?
hybridkoneko: Well, Tracy loves you Ed. But, not in that way that you think. Well, in the way that... that like I love you. But, then again, you could mistake that for something... so... maybe... in the way that I love Jordan. Which is actually not anything that I can be sure of. Cuz he's a stupid jerk and only an idiot would fall in love with him!!
houshisama523: hey, hey... Jess. You lost me totally. In english and no mentioning Jordan, please.
hybridkoneko: Well... it's...
hybridkoneko: it's hard... v.v
houshisama523: no it's not... you're saying Tracey wants to break up with me, right?
hybridkoneko: well... yeah...
hybridkoneko: sorry, Ed
hybridkoneko: I don;t hate you... anymore...
houshisama523?: I see.

Long Time no see

2005-11-22T23:30:36Z

Just noticed I still had an LJ ^_^; so, figured, why not post in it?

Well, now that I've left my dad's so much has happened. Why, I'm living with a gay guy, I have a girlfriend named Rita, and Tracey apparently doesn't mind making me feel like a piece of shit.

Doesn't matter though. I mean, I can still smile. I'm not hurt at all. If only I saved the conversation, though. You guys would have gotten a kick out of it. Especially you, Jess. You seemed to be so certain I'd walk away happy. Great job, asswipe!

So, don't even talk to me, I don't want to hear it. My day was good, but I think I'll end up going to sleep feeling more alone than ever.

Nighty Night

...Is there a point?

2005-10-23T02:25:47Z

If you guys don't hear from me for a while, I'll be sure to send a postcard from Hell once I'm done with myself.

I love how great and wonderful and perfectly fucked up my life is. You guys want to know? I'll tell you.

I was born out of a crack head woman by the name of Tammy. My father's abusive and has been since I was 5 years old. Born in Pennsylvania and didn't move until I was 5 when I met Emily.

Emily loved me with all her heart, or so she claimed. We were best friends until we started dating in 9th grade. But, we fell apart for various reasons. I had some girlfriends before/after/during my time with her. And I won't lie, she meant the world to me.

So, now, 15 year old me. Yeah, I'm funny and lovable. Everyone loves Ed. No one hates him, or wants to hurt him. At least, that's what I've been told.

I always thought I was good at accepting everything in life. Good at accepting the fact I'd be a worthless fuck bag no matter what I did. Right. Does everything with a smile and plays everything off like it's nothing.

Well if I'm as well raised as everyone thinks, why did I lose my virginity at 13?! Why did my parents make me choose between living in Seattle or Cleveland where one way or the other, I'm going to be killed.

...Never belonging isn't just nothing. My friends are all I have. And I'm enough of a dumbass to lose the one that meant the most to me. All because my stupid heart has to fucking fall for a girl becasue she helped me out. She was the light at the end of the tunnel. Emily never was. She treated me like what I was. A fucking piece of shit.

It must be what I am. But who cares, no one will even remember Ed.

Well, a new life to live

2005-10-09T18:47:15Z

My dad and sisters and I all moved to Seattle. We didn't get here till late last night and I had to unload all the shit while the brats got to go inside and sleep.

And, well, it's cloudy here and hot! 57 degrees ah, kills me.

But, overall, I'm happy. It was such a rushed thing. One minute I'm in Ohio, the next, I'm living in Seattle. I get to see my mom every now and then. My parents are still working out the arrangements.

Oh, and on my last day of school, it totally kicked ass. Emily kissed me and admitted she still loves me all in front of Brandon. Of course, I just smiled and said, "Well, lovely, I was over you a long time ago." And walked off. Man, it felt so good, because I knew I had something better.

I mean, Tracey loves me, right? Thats like ten times better than being toyed with by Em. I'm sure we would've stayed friends, but who cares, really? I also was kissed by a guy on my way out. Josh, the fuckin fag, kissed my square on the lips as I was walking out. I was just cracking up, everyone else looked like we were weirdos. But, I thought it was funny. His little way of sayin "I'll miss ya".

And now here I am. I don't have to start school for another week.

That's the shit. Also, love the layout? Pimpin!

Am I going crazy?

2005-10-04T21:30:27Z

Okay, I was reading in Tracey's journal and she mentioned something about wanting to break up with me, then it was gone. I'm just so confused. I need to talk to her now. I don't know what the deal is.

Like two days ago she was completely fine with being my girlfriend. But now, she's worried about Emily? Who gives a shit about Emily! She hurt me and I don't want her back! If you want me to be so god damn happy, Trace, then why the hell are you telling me goodbye? You don't want to hurt me anymore?

Well, I liked you a long time before this Emily mess. A long time before. And I still do. To be honest, I feel stronger for you than I did with Emily. Which is so weird since I barely even know you. But, if you think that this will make me happy then your so fucking wrong! I hate Emily. She tore my hear with no thought. You've never hurt me. You've always been there for me!

But, whatever, my life doesn't seem to be anything but suffering. To be honest, you were one of the only things that kept me sane. Emily, 'Cedes, Amy, all those girls don't mean squat now! I don't care about anyone but you!

Such a mess...

2005-09-28T22:00:37Z

I feel so empty. Juat hollow. There isn't even a point in moving anymore. Why does love have to hurt so much? Why does everything have to end?! Why?

Well, Emily did it. She gave her self to Brandon. I mean, she slept with the bastard. I swear, I cried when I heard that. She... she's gone now. It's all gone. Every hope I ever had. Everything. It's all gone. She's gone.

I deserve it, though. I deserve every fucking miserable moment of my life. I played Emily. I hurt her. I did whatever the hell I wanted to without any second thoughts as to how she might feel. I didn't care at all.

It's all gone now anyway. I should have given up a long time ago, maybe back when I dumped Mercedes. Funny thing is, I didn't even hear it from Emily herself. Brandon told me and I swear I nearly punched the shit out of him. Unfortunetaly, he sits on the other side of the room in Physical Science. Yeah, I'll get physical with him! Show him all the fucking shit he's brought me!

I almost wish I could be mad at Emily, too. She promised herself to me a long time ago! But, maybe we just weren't meant to be. Maybe we aren't supposed to be together, to live happily ever after. It hurts to know that. I still can't help but look at her with the same eyes I've always looked at her with. I can't even imagine a world without her.

I would take her back, too. I wouldn't hesitate for an instant. I mean, just talking with her, I have to fight myself to not kiss the hell out of her. She's just so perfect. And I can't even picture loving anyone else, but I have to. I have to move on. I don't want to though. I can't make her love me, I can't make her see that I still adore her in every way and regret everything I ever did to hurt her.

It's useless, I guess.

Angel Of The Centerfold

2005-09-07T21:19:25Z

Well, the little whore dumped me again! I don't understand her. I just wish Emily would come back to me. But she's with that 'Brandon' guy. Damn, I could just kill him! He puts Emily though hell and she just keeps running to him, WTF?!

And naturally, being with Mercedes is terrible. She doesn't even like me. But, what else am I supposed to do? Josh says this will help me get rid of Emily, but what if I don't want to, huh? No one knows anything of how I feel. I nearly started crying when Emily told me it was over. Me-crying. That's not something that happens often. I guess, what really got me in this outrageous mood was watching Notebook yesterday. I'm not a fan of the movie, trust me. But Emily made me watch it with her a few months ago, and well, that's about when we almost had sex. ALMOST, but her stupid dyke of a sister walked in on us. Okay, we weren't about to have sex, we had just started kissing, I guess. But, still, the movie now holds a sentimental value to me because of the times. And God, who I wouldn't kl lto have them back.

I think, I'll just go crawl back into my little cage now. A man who enjoys a romance movie, how pathetic. I do not enjoy it at all! I just, like the thought of it.

Anyway, I'm sure only like 3 people know me here lol. I should probably introduce myself. The name's Ed, I live in Ohio and am a Sophomore in high school... as well as Emily. For those who don't know, Emily (aka Em) was my first love. We had been together for such a long time and even went to London over Christmas break together. She means the world to me, but she dumped me for something I don't want to talk about.

Tracy might remember dealing with me with this issue. Well, it sort of happened... again. I didn't mean to, though! This time it was Mercedes and she munipulated me! Okay, so I was drunk at this party and she kissed me and we got a little crazy. I felt so bad though. Emily's just such a pure person. I'll always complain about why she won't let me go to second base or something, but the truth is, I love that about her. I love how protective she is over herself.

I'll get over it though. Now, I'm with Mercedes, well, she dumped me today, but Emily's still with Brandon.

Oh well, if we were not meant to be together, then we weren't meant to be together.