| What the hell is wrong with me? |
[10 Dec 2005|10:17pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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( Why we really need to forget about internet dating )
God damn, right now I'm so angry with my damn aunt. She made me go clean out the goat cage thingy and it smelled like goat shit -no duh- but goat shit stinks. Or, at least her goats. I think they're like beyond sick.
lol all in all I had a pretty good day... I mean, even after Jess told me about Tracey wanting to break up with me. We actually had like the greatest conversation. If I can find it, I'll post it.
( The 'Breakup' )
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| Long Time no see |
[22 Nov 2005|05:26pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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Just noticed I still had an LJ ^_^; so, figured, why not post in it?
Well, now that I've left my dad's so much has happened. Why, I'm living with a gay guy, I have a girlfriend named Rita, and Tracey apparently doesn't mind making me feel like a piece of shit.
Doesn't matter though. I mean, I can still smile. I'm not hurt at all. If only I saved the conversation, though. You guys would have gotten a kick out of it. Especially you, Jess. You seemed to be so certain I'd walk away happy. Great job, asswipe!
So, don't even talk to me, I don't want to hear it. My day was good, but I think I'll end up going to sleep feeling more alone than ever.
Nighty Night
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| ...Is there a point? |
[22 Oct 2005|09:15pm] |
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mood |
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 broken |
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If you guys don't hear from me for a while, I'll be sure to send a postcard from Hell once I'm done with myself.
I love how great and wonderful and perfectly fucked up my life is. You guys want to know? I'll tell you.
I was born out of a crack head woman by the name of Tammy. My father's abusive and has been since I was 5 years old. Born in Pennsylvania and didn't move until I was 5 when I met Emily.
Emily loved me with all her heart, or so she claimed. We were best friends until we started dating in 9th grade. But, we fell apart for various reasons. I had some girlfriends before/after/during my time with her. And I won't lie, she meant the world to me.
So, now, 15 year old me. Yeah, I'm funny and lovable. Everyone loves Ed. No one hates him, or wants to hurt him. At least, that's what I've been told.
I always thought I was good at accepting everything in life. Good at accepting the fact I'd be a worthless fuck bag no matter what I did. Right. Does everything with a smile and plays everything off like it's nothing.
Well if I'm as well raised as everyone thinks, why did I lose my virginity at 13?! Why did my parents make me choose between living in Seattle or Cleveland where one way or the other, I'm going to be killed.
...Never belonging isn't just nothing. My friends are all I have. And I'm enough of a dumbass to lose the one that meant the most to me. All because my stupid heart has to fucking fall for a girl becasue she helped me out. She was the light at the end of the tunnel. Emily never was. She treated me like what I was. A fucking piece of shit.
It must be what I am. But who cares, no one will even remember Ed.
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| Well, a new life to live |
[09 Oct 2005|01:36pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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My dad and sisters and I all moved to Seattle. We didn't get here till late last night and I had to unload all the shit while the brats got to go inside and sleep.
And, well, it's cloudy here and hot! 57 degrees ah, kills me.
But, overall, I'm happy. It was such a rushed thing. One minute I'm in Ohio, the next, I'm living in Seattle. I get to see my mom every now and then. My parents are still working out the arrangements.
Oh, and on my last day of school, it totally kicked ass. Emily kissed me and admitted she still loves me all in front of Brandon. Of course, I just smiled and said, "Well, lovely, I was over you a long time ago." And walked off. Man, it felt so good, because I knew I had something better.
I mean, Tracey loves me, right? Thats like ten times better than being toyed with by Em. I'm sure we would've stayed friends, but who cares, really? I also was kissed by a guy on my way out. Josh, the fuckin fag, kissed my square on the lips as I was walking out. I was just cracking up, everyone else looked like we were weirdos. But, I thought it was funny. His little way of sayin "I'll miss ya".
And now here I am. I don't have to start school for another week.
That's the shit. Also, love the layout? Pimpin!
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| Am I going crazy? |
[04 Oct 2005|04:23pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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Okay, I was reading in Tracey's journal and she mentioned something about wanting to break up with me, then it was gone. I'm just so confused. I need to talk to her now. I don't know what the deal is.
Like two days ago she was completely fine with being my girlfriend. But now, she's worried about Emily? Who gives a shit about Emily! She hurt me and I don't want her back! If you want me to be so god damn happy, Trace, then why the hell are you telling me goodbye? You don't want to hurt me anymore?
Well, I liked you a long time before this Emily mess. A long time before. And I still do. To be honest, I feel stronger for you than I did with Emily. Which is so weird since I barely even know you. But, if you think that this will make me happy then your so fucking wrong! I hate Emily. She tore my hear with no thought. You've never hurt me. You've always been there for me!
But, whatever, my life doesn't seem to be anything but suffering. To be honest, you were one of the only things that kept me sane. Emily, 'Cedes, Amy, all those girls don't mean squat now! I don't care about anyone but you!
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| Such a mess... |
[28 Sep 2005|04:40pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
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I feel so empty. Juat hollow. There isn't even a point in moving anymore. Why does love have to hurt so much? Why does everything have to end?! Why?
Well, Emily did it. She gave her self to Brandon. I mean, she slept with the bastard. I swear, I cried when I heard that. She... she's gone now. It's all gone. Every hope I ever had. Everything. It's all gone. She's gone.
I deserve it, though. I deserve every fucking miserable moment of my life. I played Emily. I hurt her. I did whatever the hell I wanted to without any second thoughts as to how she might feel. I didn't care at all.
It's all gone now anyway. I should have given up a long time ago, maybe back when I dumped Mercedes. Funny thing is, I didn't even hear it from Emily herself. Brandon told me and I swear I nearly punched the shit out of him. Unfortunetaly, he sits on the other side of the room in Physical Science. Yeah, I'll get physical with him! Show him all the fucking shit he's brought me!
I almost wish I could be mad at Emily, too. She promised herself to me a long time ago! But, maybe we just weren't meant to be. Maybe we aren't supposed to be together, to live happily ever after. It hurts to know that. I still can't help but look at her with the same eyes I've always looked at her with. I can't even imagine a world without her.
I would take her back, too. I wouldn't hesitate for an instant. I mean, just talking with her, I have to fight myself to not kiss the hell out of her. She's just so perfect. And I can't even picture loving anyone else, but I have to. I have to move on. I don't want to though. I can't make her love me, I can't make her see that I still adore her in every way and regret everything I ever did to hurt her.
It's useless, I guess.
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| Angel Of The Centerfold |
[07 Sep 2005|04:06pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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Well, the little whore dumped me again! I don't understand her. I just wish Emily would come back to me. But she's with that 'Brandon' guy. Damn, I could just kill him! He puts Emily though hell and she just keeps running to him, WTF?!
And naturally, being with Mercedes is terrible. She doesn't even like me. But, what else am I supposed to do? Josh says this will help me get rid of Emily, but what if I don't want to, huh? No one knows anything of how I feel. I nearly started crying when Emily told me it was over. Me-crying. That's not something that happens often. I guess, what really got me in this outrageous mood was watching Notebook yesterday. I'm not a fan of the movie, trust me. But Emily made me watch it with her a few months ago, and well, that's about when we almost had sex. ALMOST, but her stupid dyke of a sister walked in on us. Okay, we weren't about to have sex, we had just started kissing, I guess. But, still, the movie now holds a sentimental value to me because of the times. And God, who I wouldn't kl lto have them back.
I think, I'll just go crawl back into my little cage now. A man who enjoys a romance movie, how pathetic. I do not enjoy it at all! I just, like the thought of it.
Anyway, I'm sure only like 3 people know me here lol. I should probably introduce myself. The name's Ed, I live in Ohio and am a Sophomore in high school... as well as Emily. For those who don't know, Emily (aka Em) was my first love. We had been together for such a long time and even went to London over Christmas break together. She means the world to me, but she dumped me for something I don't want to talk about.
Tracy might remember dealing with me with this issue. Well, it sort of happened... again. I didn't mean to, though! This time it was Mercedes and she munipulated me! Okay, so I was drunk at this party and she kissed me and we got a little crazy. I felt so bad though. Emily's just such a pure person. I'll always complain about why she won't let me go to second base or something, but the truth is, I love that about her. I love how protective she is over herself.
I'll get over it though. Now, I'm with Mercedes, well, she dumped me today, but Emily's still with Brandon.
Oh well, if we were not meant to be together, then we weren't meant to be together.
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